Resolved: Vikings > Pirates.
Since our moderate Pirate parody was passed around the Net, several left-of-center commentators have politely asked, "well, what the $#%^* would you do, you #%^*in' neocon #%^*-#%^*-er, imperiali$t dumb-$#%^* #%^*ing running-$#%^*-dawg $#%^* $#%^*-$#%^* 4 TEH $#%^*$#%^* AND $#%^* $#%^*? $#%^*!!1"
Frankly, my Pirate solution is simple. Instead of reaching out to negotiate with those who wish us nothing but ill, we must reluctantly fight fire with fire. And we should use fire which is hotter and even more flamey.
So, who can stand up to the barbarism and savagery of Pirates? Only one group: Vikings.
"But, Jon, what about Ninjas?" Granted, Ninjas use their stealthy, catlike skills brilliantly on land. But like their feline brethren, get them near water and they couldn't fight off an asthmatic girl scout.
Vikings ruled the seas far longer than did the lowly Pirates. These fearsome Norsemen marauded, pillaged and terrorized waters from Byzantium to Vinland centuries before the first disaffected Limey compensated for his stubby leg with a flamboyant parrot.
President Obama should immediately built a small fleet of wooden longboats capable of sustained littoral operations. Supply routes are unnecessary since the Vikings simply raid unprotected coastal areas for supplies. And, powered by wind and oar, this truly green-water fleet should easily pass muster with the EPA and most environmental NGOs.
There could be some political pushback about a force exclusively staffed by burly blonde males, but Democrats from the northern Midwest should be happy to have those types out of their districts for good. Expect newly minted Minnesota senator Al Franken to co-sponsor the Viking Authorization Bill, building up his defense bona fides.
"But Jon, why use swords, clubs and battle-axes when we have a modern, well-equipped Navy already in the region?" First Ninjas, now this? You sir, are a foreign policy dilettante.
Sure, we could send a destroyer to sink a fleet of Somali dinghies, but where's the fun in that? In politics, perception is reality and Vikings vs. Pirates is flat-out COOL.
Can you imagine the YouTube videos? Cable news would help fund the initiative just for the ratings boost.
Therefore, Exurban League calls on President Obama to do the right thing for our country, free trade and our entertainment: Use Vikings to kill the Pirates. If not for us, Sir, then for the children.
Frankly, my Pirate solution is simple. Instead of reaching out to negotiate with those who wish us nothing but ill, we must reluctantly fight fire with fire. And we should use fire which is hotter and even more flamey.
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| Artist rendering. |
"But, Jon, what about Ninjas?" Granted, Ninjas use their stealthy, catlike skills brilliantly on land. But like their feline brethren, get them near water and they couldn't fight off an asthmatic girl scout.
Vikings ruled the seas far longer than did the lowly Pirates. These fearsome Norsemen marauded, pillaged and terrorized waters from Byzantium to Vinland centuries before the first disaffected Limey compensated for his stubby leg with a flamboyant parrot.
President Obama should immediately built a small fleet of wooden longboats capable of sustained littoral operations. Supply routes are unnecessary since the Vikings simply raid unprotected coastal areas for supplies. And, powered by wind and oar, this truly green-water fleet should easily pass muster with the EPA and most environmental NGOs.
There could be some political pushback about a force exclusively staffed by burly blonde males, but Democrats from the northern Midwest should be happy to have those types out of their districts for good. Expect newly minted Minnesota senator Al Franken to co-sponsor the Viking Authorization Bill, building up his defense bona fides.
"But Jon, why use swords, clubs and battle-axes when we have a modern, well-equipped Navy already in the region?" First Ninjas, now this? You sir, are a foreign policy dilettante.
Sure, we could send a destroyer to sink a fleet of Somali dinghies, but where's the fun in that? In politics, perception is reality and Vikings vs. Pirates is flat-out COOL.
Can you imagine the YouTube videos? Cable news would help fund the initiative just for the ratings boost.
Therefore, Exurban League calls on President Obama to do the right thing for our country, free trade and our entertainment: Use Vikings to kill the Pirates. If not for us, Sir, then for the children.
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4/15/2009 1:37 PM
I Hate Linux wrote:
Given the recent news of the kidnapping of Captain Phillips at the hands of Somali pirates and his eventual
What about sharks with frickin' laser beams instead?
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The Vikings will need to use recycled plastic for their ships as the use of lumber would clearly use irreplaceable natural resources and the carbon foot print would be to large. Do you think wood grows on trees?
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Lumber is renewable. What elementary school science class did you skip?
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He's joking, dimster. Google "irony", and read up on it.
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My hat is off to you, both articles were great! So happy I found your site
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I like your Idea, to sell it to the IPOD crowd, provide a link to the Immigrant Song sung by the Viking Kittens. Google it, it is great.
VR
MSG Grumpy
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Finally! The Scandi's get their revenge!!
Our battle cry? Uff da!!!
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When all you have is a hammer, the entire world is a nail, so it doesn't surprise me that a Finn like ExJon would suggest Vikings a solution to piracy.
Of course, to someone of Scottish descent like myself, the difference between pirates and Vikings is almost unnoticeable...
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Ha! Me too. Although, to be fair, the Scots have been a blend of Irish, Britons, Norse, Germanic Anglo-Saxons, etc. for centuries.
Hence this pale, easily-sunburned skin.
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Now this would finally be a "Pirates of the Caribbean" video worth watching. Just don't tell Johnny Depp. Please.
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In 80 days Chairman Zero has made himself the laughing stock of the world.
A total failure in 80 days sounds sort of old Hollywood but unfortunately the community organizer buffoon playing at the White House got elacted thanks to the fiction wiriters thought by the clueless of our popualtion to be the media.
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I like the cut of your jib!
But ... pliz, bulief yer spelchucker!
elected
population
See? No red underline. It's majik!
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Huh? Did your script Writers go on strike?
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Good idea! We got plenty of vikings up in Minnesota.
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Good Idea! There's plenty of Vikings in Minnesota.
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I met some Norsks some years ago in Croatia, courtesy of the USAF and the UN. They told me two things: 1)They ALL have relatives in Minnesota because half the population left Norway at the end of the 19th century, and 2)They no longer say "Uff da." I told one Norwegian that Uff da is the state motto of Minnesota.
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Until last summer, I worked for a Norwegian company for 7 years. My Norwegian coworkers said "Uff Da", but only when they were talking to each other. One of them even had it on a coffee cup.
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A brilliant idea!
It will be so much more difficult for the touchy-feely hopechangers to accuse the Vikings of using disproportionate force!
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Given some time, he'll blow the man down.
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I understand your comment about Ninjas, but I'm not sure I agree with the feline reference.
This could be just what you had in mind:
http://www.vikingkittens.com/
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Wow, and you already have a training program for this initiative underway on Spike TV: their Deadliest Warrior show in fact matches up Pirates vs. Vikings, as well as Samurai vs. Vikings, Greeks vs. Pirates, etc.
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Avast yer lyin', me bucko! Us pyrates is been around far longer than yer vikings. Actually, yer vikings be naught more'n pirates wearing horny hats!
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The Vikings could also use "Greek Fire" and modify their longboats with trireme ramming bows in order to make it a multi-culti operation, thus bypassing many of those pesky EEO regulations. Throw in some Polynesian outriggers, loaded with ancient Chinese MLRS's, and you've got yourself an EEO-proof expeditionary, er, Overseas Contingency Operation Force.
Waaaait a minute... Can anyone remember any really cool, fear-inspiring weapons used by ancient Mexicans? Oh well, just throw in some mezcal for the grog bowl and that should cover the Latino side of the force.
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"Can anyone remember any really cool, fear-inspiring weapons used by ancient Mexicans?"
The tacos I got from that roadside stand in Santa Ana invoked a great deal of fear in the other people in my car...
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How about Viking Ninjas? Go SEALs!
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I can't disagree more. On the face of it, Vikings do appear to be a common sense approach, but you haven't thought of what we will do once the Pirates are gone. Who then will we get to solve the "Viking Problem". I for one am not looking forward to the raping and pillaging (OK, at least not the pillaging). Is there any way that we could train Ninja's to actually learn seacraft? Wait, I got it, wouldn't it be cool if we could somehow mutate turtles with radioactive liquid, and train them to be Ninja's.
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Jeez! You a ninja-lover, or what? Them ninjas is bad dudes. Amoral assassins-for-hire. They're as likely to be used against you as by you.
Seriously, the real culprits here are the Chinese whose mega-trawlers etc. have wiped out commercial fishing off the coast of Somalia and left the young guys with no other way to make money except become "fishers of men" (and tankers, and yachts, and freighters, etc.).
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I am so interested in this issue: pirates, ships, seas... I mean that romance of adventures in th pastm which we mostly know from the films (many of them I've found at http://www.rapidsharemix.com ) and not that nonsense we experience with piracy today
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