January 20, 2009
"I thank you and the world thanks you, for choosing love over hate, hope over fear, and diplomacy over warfare. Today we finally begin the work of caring for our sick, giving jobs to the jobless, cooling our fevered planet, lowering the ocean levels, making the blind see, the lame walk..."

August 18, 2009
"As a nation we offer our sincere condolences to the people of South Korea and Japan. As you know, the North Korean leadership signed a legally binding document to curtail all future missle launches which specifically included those with live warheads. That is the primary reason Vice President Webb and I chose Pyongyang as the first stop of 'The Axis of the Misunderstood' tour. This isn't the Kim Jong-Il I knew. So, I share my deep sympathy with the residents of Kyoto, Niigata, Samchok, Tonghae, Wonju..."

April 3, 2010
"Believe me, Michelle and I know that times are tough out there. You wouldn't believe what a kid's harpsichord lessons cost these days. Despite the criticism from the nay-sayers, I assure you that my "Investment for a Hopeful Future" tax policy (with Change surcharge) will soon begin to pull us out of this Bush-caused depression. I can no more disown them than I can disown the liberal community. As Vice President Richardson said, the protests are simply an unfortunate distraction from..."

April 7, 2010
"Oprah, when I said 'Bush-caused depression,' I think any fair viewer would understand the spirit of my comments. Sure, technically, the actual recession didn't start until last summer, and of course the depression was only measured last quarter, but the Bush tax cuts obviously facilitated this decline. The American people should be thankful that my Wealth Equality and Carbon Rationing initiatives started as soon as they did. Frankly, these constant distractions are doing little to improve the lives of Americans — especially my family..."

June 1, 2010
"Like Press Secretary Olbermann said, it's all about my superior judgment..."

June 21, 2010
"Obviously, there was no way of knowing that rapidly removing our troops and embassies from Iraq last March would have caused Iran to so quickly take control of that nation, let alone Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain and so forth. When I met with President Ahmadinejad, he assured me repeatedly that he had no interest in expanding Iran's territorial claims. The person that I saw yesterday on Al Jazeera America was not the person I met last year. However, I am thankful he promised not to use his newfound nuclear capabilities on any more nations..."

June 24, 2010
"As a nation we offer our sincere condolences to the people of Israel, Lebanon and the Palestinian Authority. I warned Congress that banning Iran from purchasing superior targeting technology could result in unnecessary collateral damage. But we assure everyone in the region that America will help you rebuild your communities as soon as we receive approval from the United Nations. And once the radiation levels are safe again..."

November 3, 2010
"The Democratic Party has been down before. I promise that we will control the Senate and House again very soon. Heck, I could have given up after the mysterious deaths of my first three vice presidents, but Hillary and I are now ready to look to the future and rebuild what was lost..."

February 17, 2011
"No, former President Clinton does not speak for my administration. I found his racially charged comments undignified and quite surprising for someone who also told the same Playboy interviewer, 'I loves me some brown sugar.' He sounds more like a typical white person than the Bill Clinton that Hillary and I once knew..."

May 25, 2011
"Despite our past challenges, I think we can work with Mahdi Ahmadinejad and all peace-loving citizens of the Islamic Republic of Greater Persia. As the world's newest and third-largest country, it is essential we build bridges of understanding with this deeply religious people — even if they are understandably suspicious of America's intentions. Thankfully, Ambassador Jeremiah Wright offers the perfect mix of theological and diplomatic skill necessary to..."

October 2, 2011
"Frankly, the American people should empathize with Cuba's historical claims on southern Florida. I mean, read your history books, guys. But I am thankful that the Chinese government is so eager to arbitrate this border dispute in a fair, expeditious manner..."

November 8, 2011
"This is neither the Hu Jintao nor Raul Castro that I knew..."

December 15, 2011
"No, my sickness seemed to have developed some time after our Thanksgiving dinner at the Vice President's home. Our new 'Hope for Healthcare' infrastructure has physicians a bit backed up, but I'm thankful that Vice President Clinton's hand-picked doctor was so quick with her diagnosis. She assures me it's just a minor bug that should clear up any day now. The facial discoloration and pockmarks aren't expected to be permanent..."

January 3, 2012
"A new year means a new challenge — but also new hope. We all are deeply, deeply saddened by the untimely and unexpected loss of President Obama, especially Bill and I. But in honor of his historic legacy, I announce today that I will seek re-elec... election to enact all those policies that he could not. Many of which he never even had a chance to share with you. I only have about eight-and-a-half years — if the Constitution isn't changed — and we have a lot of Hope and Change to accomplish. Vice President Chelsea will be glad to share our plans in further detail at our party immediately following the state funeral..."